Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Suck It Pinterest Parents

OK so we all know I am a "recovering pinterest parent." But here's the thing. Today is St. Patricks Day. What the hell happened to starting your day with an Irish coffee, followed by a Guinness at lunch and more merry drinking the rest of the afternoon/evening while you enjoyed food that probably wasn't Irish in any way? Oh yeah all while proving your badass parenting skills by keeping your children alive while you drank all day.

Based on my facebook feed here is what I am supposed to do on St. Patricks Day:
1. Make a leprechaun trap.
What the shit is this? I just can't. CAN'T.

2. Pretend that a leprechaun snuck in our house to leave goodies in our shoes.
3. Make special green jewelry for my girl child so some asshole doesn't pinch her.
4. Make a special green leprechaun tree to hide gold in
5. Put green dye in my toilet with green footprint on the toilet seat like a freaking leprechaun broke in my house and peed some weird diseased pee that they walked through and didn't flush.
6. Put together a bag of "rainbow seeds" from crap colored candy so we can grow a rainbow.

Don't get me started. I could go on for a while with all the stupid shit that parents did this year. The problem? I KNOW these people. Like I have met them and interacted with them in real life and I thought they were cool. I give a pass to the poor parents whose children were ASSIGNED to make a leprechaun trap in school. LAME.

Here's the thing. IF I were a leprechaun I would want to be left the hell alone. And I would mind my own G. D. business. No I do not want to be trapped. No. I do not want to bring a bunch of useless crap and leave it in your dirty stinky shoes.
If anyone tries to bully my girl child because she isn't wearing homemade green jewelry then they are going to have big issues with me. I take Krav. I can cut your face open with my elbow. And I will if you screw with my child.
No. I will not make a special tree for my house so anyone can hide anything in it. I have a hard enough time finding crap my children play with that they shouldn't in the first place. I am not constructing a special time consuming hideaway for them to stick my wallet or my sunglasses. No. Just no.
As for the toilet. >.< If I sit down on some stupid green footprints because I am too tired to rememeber I did something this stupid then I deserve to have footprints on my butt. And if anyone breaks in my house to pee weird colors in my toilet, again, I can cut your face with my elbow. Leprechauns probably pee golden anyway. You know those little dudes down beer, not water.
I am not growing a rainbow and I'm not teaching my child to "grow" one either. Maybe I'm a grinch and I take away all the magic but my kid is so interested in science that there is no way I am going to tell him that rainbows grow out of candy. I'm just not.

But I will show you that I can still keep he magic alive (with the most minimal of effort!)
Small boys breakfast. Fruit I already had cut up. Green smoothie including peas and spinach.  

Tiny girls breakfast. The zucchini muffins were frozen. Just thawed them this morning!

My daily green tea, 2egg spinach feta scramble and green grapes. 
 BAM. Festive breakfast. It took me like 5 minutes to make everything. All I did different than I would have any other day was make sure they had all the fruit on their plate and arrange it in a rainbow. Zucchini muffin pot o'gold. I seriously thought about this a couple minutes before making them breakfast. They were so excited. I don't need a damn trap to keep the magic alive. And I kept my food greenish! Without dye. Win.

I also made a mint chip "ice cream" with banana, spinach, mint extract, a tiny bit of coconut milk and some dark chocolate chips. It's pretty damn close to the real thing. Dessert. That's all we are doing for this holiday. I lie. I blew up two green balloons that kept them busy for like a half hour before small boy went to school. Eat your heart out pinterest parents!(honestly I probably did the food thing for me. Every once in a while I just like to make pretty and creative food.)

A Time I Had


Blythe said...

That scramble looks delicious. I need to go buy some eggs maybe...

Holly said...

Oh man it really is. It's my go-to breakfast these days. Just saute some spinach, add a bit of feta and two eggs. I think I originally found it as an omelet but I suck at making omelets turn out well so I made it into a scramble :-) Sometimes I add jalapenos.