Sunday, May 12, 2013

Happy Mother's Day

Dear Perfect Pinterest Mom
This morning you were joyfully awoken by your sweet cherub cheeked little munchkins jumping playfully on  your bed. Or maybe you got to sleep in because your amazing husband took your kids downstairs to make you an amazing breakfast to serve you in bed. Or maybe you helped get your kids ready to go out and eat a nice mother's day breakfast with the family. After you all ate you came home and reveled in the amazing day you celebrate being a mom to the most wonderful well behaved kids on the planet while you create yet another wonderful craft together and then frolic outside in the sunshine. You can't believe how lucky you are to share in such an amazing day with your kids and you family.
Dear Perfect Pinterest Mom
I am not you.

This morning I was groggily awoken to the warning bell of Lovey and the overdramatic loud licking of a dog. Both of who thought it would be awesome to wake up at 6am (the new norm in our house these days which I still am not adjusted to). When my very wide awake munchkin crawled up into my bed and I gained slight consciousness I was still thinking of what he had told me the night before: "I had a sad day and you make me sad." So of course I woke up in a "feeling sorry for myself" mood. I tried to force another hour of sleep on us but my kid can't breathe and was sniffing every 3 seconds and tossing and turning. So I turned the TV on for him and started cleaning my house. Apparently when I am mad or upset I clean. No, I did not shower.

I then lost track of the time and since I haven't set up the replacement phone fully yet I can't hear when people send me texts or call me. With the laundry going, the water running and the TV blaring I missed calls and texts from my friends who I was supposed to have breakfast with this morning. I then hear a frantic knock at the door. When I answer I am greeted by "Oh good, you're not dead." Yeah, I'm generally happy to be alive too. My worried friends had got in touch with another one of our good friends who lives nearby to come check on me and make sure I wasn't dead or in the hospital. Nope. I was just in a mopey self-depricating cleaning frenzy while I resigned myself to letting my kid watching TV and playing video games. I'm mother of the year, people.

Of course I then let her in and cried, uncontrollably, when she asked how I was. Yup.

Eventually I got to video chat with D!!! Yay. Except that then I cried uncontrollably at him. In the middle of our chat the friends I was supposed to have breakfast with showed up... with red velvet pancakes and offers to take Link. So I cried completely uncontrollably at them and their entire families. Because I am so emotionally stable today!

Now I know I sound ridiculous. I feel ridiculous. This is not me. But apparently my hormones, my exhaustion and my kid's inability to deal with the emotions he has about Daddy's deployment (so he takes it out on me) are making me into this crazy, unshowered, sobbing mess of a human.

I know Link doesn't mean it when he says I'm mean or I make him sad. It's usually when I turn out the lights before bed and he starts thinking about how he misses D. He can have a perfect day and still get all emo and sad at the very end of it and tell me that the day was terrible.

I know that most of the crying I am doing is because I am growing a person and my hormones are making my emotions insane.

I know that if Link watches TV a lot I shouldn't feel bad. It won't ruin him.

I know my friends want to help me and support me and don't expect anything in return.

I know all this but I still feel overwhelmed, crazy, guilty, sad, and like I need to get my shit together so I can repay all the favors!

I celebrate mother's day every day because I am grateful for my mom and I am grateful for the amazing little boy that made me into a mom. And on this day that I happen to be a big fat hot mess, the rest of the country just happens to be celebrating the same thing. I did not have the perfect morning. But my kid is alive, my fetus won't stop kicking me, my dog is alive. We are all as happy as circumstances allow and that's a lot! And now my house is clean! So you know what? It's been a good morning. And I'm not the perfect mom who made the perfect mother's day with her kid. But I am a happy mom and I can't believe how lucky I am to get to hang out with my intelligent, charmingly annoying, sassy, opinionated, talented, persistent, independent-at-inconvenient-times, "helpful," curious, adorable little boy every day...all day.

Being a mom is freaking hard. Especially when you are pregnant again and your husband is deployed. But we are still luckier than most and I'm glad I have one of the more difficult jobs in the world. I wouldn't change it for the world.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mommies out there. You are warriors no matter how old your kids are, how many you have, what they are (dogs, cats, humans, etc), if they are still with you, etc. ALL moms. You are amazing. (Dads too but today is mother's day so I'm focusing on moms!)

I'm not perfect but we are all alive and happy so BOOM world!

A Time I Had

Friday, May 10, 2013

Another thing I accept

As part of deployment I also accept that when I am home eating my food will be cold and if I decide to eat it hot before everything is done cooking/baking/frying etc, whatever was left on/in the oven/stove will burn. So cold food or burned food it is. But you know what? At least it's food and my kid and my dog are alive and eating their meals contently. OK Bowser is eating his meals contently. I have also accepted that Link will not eat most of the food I spend more than 8 minutes making. This includes chicken nuggets. He's alive. It counts.

A Time I Had

Thursday, May 9, 2013

The Law of Deployment

Yet again I know I don't post much but maybe this will help me.
For those that most likely read this you know D has deployed. For those of you who don't know the "Law of Deployment" it's basically just Murphy's Law.

So instead of letting the pregnancy hormones get the best of me (which I have been doing involves a lot of overdramatic crying in a pillow) I have decided to blog about how ridiculous all the things that have gone wrong are. That and things I have just plain come to accept as normal that might not be under normal circumstances.

So here's a list of things that have gone missing (that I have noticed) since D left:
-the deshedding dog brush. Of course this has gone missing because I just vacuumed.
-Link's nail clippers. My goose is now a sharp nailed kitten.
-The whisk attachment to my hand mixer.
-Most of my sanity. Seriously, can't find it anywhere.

Here's a list of things that have broken since D left:
-Our address light and doorbell
-My brand new expensive cell phone
-Our printer (which is bad for a club secretary)
-My sweet little Inky's heart. Tonight he told me that he has a flight suit in his closet and maybe if he wears it he can go fly the plane with Daddy. I sobbed when I left his room.

A list of things I have come to accept since D left:
-Link's happy birthday banner will never be taken down. It is now a part of our home decor.
-We live out of a laundry basket
-My evergrowing collection of cups will grow and grow til there are none left downstairs because D is not here to make fun of me for it. (right now there are only 4 on my headboard... yes, I'm just protecting from alien invasion. Have we not seen Signs?!)
-Just as I am falling asleep every night my guard dog will bark to warn me that a leaf blew outside somewhere
-I will most likely have to chase the dog down after someone lets him out this week.
-Video games are essential to fun, sanity and mommy/son bonding (and also that I don't have to try to lose to my 4 year old, it just happens now)

I've also come to accept that I will live in a perpetual state of complete exhaustion. Inky has endless energy and whatever he doesn't take from me, Fetus is doing a a good job of stealing. Being exhausted is no longer a feeling but a part of my personality. I'm OK with it. I also knew I had amazing friends and a great support system BUT I had no idea how many amazing friends I had and how amazing their support would be. I'm so lucky. SO SO lucky.

A Time I Had