Sunday, December 14, 2008

Ze Brain Cell Leecher

I Cut You
On Friday D and I went to our ultrasound appointment to make sure our baby was a baby and not a squid. We were pleasantly surprised when it did indeed turn out to babyesque! We figured out a few things during the ultrasound
1. It cooperates like it's daddy when it comes to giving valuable information (was turned correctly to figure out the sex)
2. It has it's mommy's violent tendencies when someone invades it's personal space (the hardest punch I have felt to date... so hard the ultrasound tech could feel it)
3. It has creepy skull face (I blame this on the picture the lady took. One of the pictures looks like a crazy Halloween skull you would hang up on your wall as decor for that time of year)

As far as we can tell everything looks great, it's little heart is all good with all the happy chambers, it has all it's required organs and such, it is fully capable of opening it's mouth for a Nom! All in all a great experience and awesome to see little baby movements instead of just feeling like I have a psycho ninja bowling ball in my stomach or something.

Many of you who read this blog already know the sex but for those of you who don't... stay tuned. I like to keep the suspense alive. I know, D knows, if you don't know... HA! Like I said, stay tuned!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

A Quicky

Evil Spawn
This is just one of those unoriginal quick updates (the kind that most bloggers bore you with) to let everyone know the wondrous happenings in my sometimes exciting, mostly dull, life. We will be finding out the sex of the evil spawn on December 12th. At this point I'm pretty convinced it has no gender and is simply pure evil. I have reached the point where you can tell I'm pregnant...unless you don't know me in which case you would probably just think that I am a bit chunky and have been eating one too many oreos. Mmm Oreos sound good. Damn. Anyway, this little monkey is making it's presense quite well known to me. I'm walking around like a penguin trying my best not to slip and fall on the winter wonder-ice covered land that is the great Alaskan outdoors (aka my driveway). I'm also greatly annoyed that I am not allowed to eat any sushi because like a good little prego I am having cravings and like a bad little prego I am having cravings for things the doctors tell me I can't have. Like I said, evil spawn growing inside. Sigh.

At Least We Have Each Other
Last Thursday was the release of the Wrath of the Lich King expansion for World of Warcraft. If you have called D or I, knocked on our door or otherwise tried to be social with us I must warn you that right now only food, having to go to the bathroom, medical emergencies in the family and the apocalypse could tear us away from the computers and away from our precious precious leveling and general expansion experience. You can be important to us again once we have fully explored, hit 80, maxed our professions, learned our way around Dalaran and our eyes are bleeding. Yes, we are pathetic nerds but you know what? It's inexpensive, it's fun, it's something we can do together, we totally rule at it and you really gotta start your kids on it young. When I say young I mean still in the womb. My baby is going to kick your babies butt at Warcraft... and we'll probably have to get it some self defense classes in the real world so that it doesn't get beat up and get it's lunch money stolen everyday... ah well ya win a little ya lose a little.

A Time I Had

Monday, October 27, 2008

Minty Good

Candy Red Tongue
I will go ahead and admit that most of the time my life is quite boring. Luckily for me I have three males in my life that are continually making it more interesting. My thanks to D, Bazzy and Bowser (who I am convinced is actually part shar pei, part Satan).

The other day D and I decided to make a day of being productive. This is something that is quite difficult to do when one lives in Alaska with the daylight hours dwindling. So we crawled out of bed while it was still dark in the morning (roughly nine o'clock or so), made ourselves human and headed out on the town. I would say we were gone from about 10 to 3 or so. Some friends of ours just had a beautiful baby girl so we took it upon ourselves to invade their sleep deprived, new parent home and make them feed us (like the good friends that we are). After spending an hour or so at home baking cookies to take over, we headed out again... much to Bowser's dismay apparently. We didn't really think anything of it since he's usually pretty good when we leave him home. Well he's usually pretty good as long as there isn't a ceramic candle holder for him to munch on sitting on the coffee table or a camera on the chest by the stairs for him to crack the screen on or a loaf of bread on the edge of the counter for him to make his dinner.. that kind of thing.

The thing about this particular night is that he has recently started watching TV with us (he's a fan of medical shows). The only thing I can think is that he has figured out from the evil box with moving people inside it that Halloween is near. He has also picked up that Halloween means trick or treating and eating massive amount of candy. Let me paint you the picture of our dining area. Cute little table, nice sweet fall colored cloth table cloth, BIG FAT bowl of Halloween candy, three ceramic Halloween candle holders. Who sees the problem here? That's right folks. While he may not quite be tall enough to reach that bowl on his own, he is smart enough to figure out that if you give that table cloth a few tugs, all the phat loot in the world will come tumbling down with it!

We came home to find a cute little puppy surrounded by candy wrappers with a candy red tongue and a contended look on his face (until he saw the not so contended look on his daddy's face). Luckily for us we, along with some friends, had pretty much eaten all the good chocolate stuff outta there so he was only able to snarf down ONE Reeses peanut butter cup. We'd have worried if our dog wasn't a massive little steal stomached terror. The Nerds and the Reeses Pieces were all well and good but his candy of choice appears to be mints. Yep red and white swirled peppermints. Loves the thing. We're not even going to tell him about Christmas. Guess who won't be hanging candy canes on their Christmas tree?!

Now I'm not sure what exactly this dog's stomach is made of that allows him to still be alive after eating an entire loaf of bread, a whole bowl of Halloween candy, plastic bags, ceramic, etc etc without even throwing up but I do thank a higher power for it because it's saving us some serious vet bills. Come to think of it, the only time he's ever thrown up after eating something was a few hours after he jammed his big fat head into his food bin and went to town. Odd.

A Time I Had

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

I didn't ask for poo...

Last Monday was the first appointment we had for our little parasite. All ranting aside, our little one is positioned all correctly, looks like a tiny squid-like creature and has a "normal" heartbeat (with all info in my hands I am convinced our baby is actually a hummingbirdsquid... a very unique little thing woot).

Now onto the rantings of the me.

L2Hire Noob (learn to hire)
At this point in time I am going to overlook the "wonderful" doctors that a certain establishment employs and go straight to verbally attacking the front desk staff for both the clinic and the lab. Not only do they blatantly lie to people but they are quite incapable of doing their job. I've been thinking about it for a while and the only thing I could come up with was the fact that monkeys could do as good a job, if not better.

Let's begin with the clinic. I will give you what actually happened and what would have happened had there been monkeys at the front desk instead.
I check in at the front and the lady asks me to go through the other doors "down that way" (she does not point in any direction). I tell her I am waiting for my husband to get here and she assures me that she will send him in. So I go to the doors "down that way"... roughly translated I wander around until the wench physically points me in the right direction. D never shows up. The doctor has to go retrieve him twenty minutes later even though he got there about 5 minutes after I did and asked the front desk if I had checked in yet to which they replied "No." LIES!!! SLANDER!!! IDIOTS!!!!

Monkey Scenario:
I go to the front desk to check in. The front desk monkey picks it's nose. I tell the monkey I am waiting for my husband. The front desk monkey scratches itself while it still has nose remnants on it's finger. I am grossed out. I tell the monkey again I am here for my appointment. The monkey flings poo at the back wall. D arrives. I get to see the doctor WITH my husband.

Monkeys: 1 Front Desk Morons: 0 Monkeys win.

I would go into the story about the incredibly rude, nonobservant, upsettingly irritating front desk lab tech that I almost strangled but as you may have figured out, taking about this vile excuse for a human being makes me cranky. Every time I think of her I want to vomit blood. So instead, suffice it to say that Monkeys: 2, Front Desk Morons: 0 Monkeys Win!

A Time I Had


Tuesday, September 16, 2008

An Ode to Squishy Rat

I am going to tell you a little story about my long lost companion. His name… it was Squishy Rat. For a long time now Halloween has been one of my favorite holidays. There is something about the crisp autumn air and the overall atmosphere of the time that just makes me feel good. (No I don’t think if you really like Halloween you worship the devil or anything thank you.)

Let me take you back to my Junior year of college. It’s in Lawrence, Kansas. The air is crisp, the leaves are beautiful shades of red, yellow and orange and because we are so mature, there are various students jumping in piles of them throughout campus and around the area. Since it’s the weekend and writing papers is so cliché on a day like this I gather a few of my friends and we head out to Olathe… or Overland Park or one of those snobby places (I’m not good with locations) to the “not so Great” Mall to shop for some Halloweeny goodness. Once we got past all the prepackaged costumes and things that boo at you as you walk by their censors we happened upon the true gold of the entire store… the junk they keep in little bins around the square area where the registers reside. There, with light shining down on it like it was meant to be from the powers above, was Squishy Rat and his little squishy rat companions. I will go ahead and tell you right now that I have no idea what was inside that made Squishy Rat squishy (and still don’t to this very day) but it was not your average gel that makes every other toy on the planet squishy. It was something different. Something wonderful. I, of course, purchased Squishy Rat and he remained my loyal companion for many weeks.

The Loss of Squishy Rat’s Essence

Unfortunately for Squishy Rat, his makers were not the best and left something to be desired when It came to the production of his outsides. All it took was one college party. I cannot remember the exact culprit, as it was a very sad day, but someone was able to puncture a hole in Squishy Rat’s soft flesh and he became… Flat Rat. Let me tell you something, this was a day my friends and I mourned a bit. Squishy Rat’s very essence had leaked from him and he became quite sad looking, a shell really. I tried not to let this get me down. Flat Rat was a worthy companion. Just because you don’t jiggle when I poke you is no reason for me to abandon you… I consider this a valid life rule as well. So life went on with Flat Rat of the formerly squishy nature.

The Demise of Flat Rat

Someone threw Flat Rat away. This is how he died. ‘Twas a sad sad day. So on this day I would just like to remember, the one, the only…SQUISHY RAT because the leaves are changing and it’s getting cooler. This is Squishy Rat’s kind of thing. Oh little rat how we miss you.

I found out the following year that there was to be no more Squishy Rats ever. I went back to the same store at the same time of year and they no longer sold that particular breed of Squishy Rat. My only guess is that the squishy part of "Squishy" rat probably wasn't too up to code or something, much to my dismay.

A Time I Had


Friday, September 12, 2008's so nom nom nom

It's Delicious
Today I discovered how horrible I am to my dear sweet snarfy puppy. The news is out everyone, D and I must be starving our little pup. When we first got this crazy little canine we had a few problems with him and separation anxiety. Eventually we were able to get past these and raise a well adjusted little pup... that loves to eat things. Tonight we went out to eat as a treat to ourselves. Bowser was not invited, much to his dismay. We came home only to discover that he had taken it upon himself to make his own dinner. Unfortunately we had forgotten to teach him proper nutrition and he chose a hearty meal of ziploc bags and the box they came him, a big huge plastic bucket of peanuts (he munched on both the peanuts and the container) and a bite of his hair brush. Nom nom nom. Dinner of champions my friends. We were not exactly happy but seeing as how he thought this was an acceptable meal and gorged himself on it we decided not to provide him with his usual luxurious meal of puppy food. But I am sure that eating all those salty nuts, cardboard and plastic dehydrated him a bit so we filled up his water bowl (that had remnants of cardboard in it from earlier).

Things My Puppy Eats
Over the months that we have had this little guy here is a list of things we have discovered he finds quite tasty:
  • peanut containers
  • cardboard boxes of any variety (from packing boxes to ziploc bag boxes)
  • my stuffed animals
  • shoes
  • slippers
  • bear spray
  • shirts in plastic bags
  • pillows
  • TV remotes
  • paper towels
  • Baz (though he has never gotten past Bazzy's intensely protective body guards)
These are only a few of things I can think of off the top of my head. Never underestimate the appetite of a little rescue puppy that was abused/neglected when it was a wee pup. As much as we love Bowser coming home to him is not always the lovely welcoming that it should be. I tend to walk in the door after a brief time away while he has been alone looking for some sort of disaster. The good days are those when I don't walk into a house that smells of feces (which has yet to happen in our new place) and those when I can walk into the house without choking and my respiratory system shutting down. Yes, I mentioned he likes bear spray. If you live in AK make sure that your snarfy barfer cannot reach the bear spray because as childproof as the safety on that sucker may be, dogs don't need thumbs to dismantle the device and set a deadly trap for their families. It's always fun to walk into your house, choke on the most intense pepper spray you have ever encountered, feel like you are going to throw up and die, spray down a puppy who hates water with a hose in the back yard and clean orange spray out of your carpet.

A Time I Had


Thursday, September 11, 2008

...It's Not Gone

Over the years I have turned from an avid and constant blogger to a semi-bored, disillusioned, five times a year blogger. This is my cute attempt to change this horrible development. Unfortunately for me, as creative as I like to think I am I fall short when it comes to computer coding and website development. Hello prepackaged blog site.

Bundle of EVIL

My most recent development in this silly little life of mine is that I am about eight weeks pregnant. If you would have told me that I would be married, pregnant and living in Alaska when I was a freshman in college I probably would have asked you what you were on... and then tried to kick your butt. Well I guess that life can surprise you sometimes. I am happy and content with where I am right now and I would change absolutely nothing...

...haha yeah I take that back. As awesome as being pregnant is supposed to be, quite frankly it sucks so
far. This crazy little parasite is sucking the life out of me! Here's what a normal day is like for me and my little parasite. I imagine our conversation to go something like this:
Parasite: "Good morning, it's about 2 AM, 'bout time to go pee don't you think?"
Me: "No, leave me alone"
--5 minutes later--
Parasite: "I really think you should get up and go now"
Me: "I hate you." *gets up and goes*
Parasite: "How would you like to go ahead and feel like your head is going to explode, your insides are going to come out of your mouth and various other places, and be completely exhausted all the time?"
Me: "No thank you."
--.234 seconds later--
Me: "Oh my God I feel like my head is going to explode, my insides are going to come out of various places and I am completely exhausted."
Parasite: "HA!"
--2 hours of nap later--
Parasite: "Hey don't you think it's about time to go pee again?"
Me: "No."
Parasite: "You go pee NOW!"
Me: "You are a pain." *goes to the bathroom... again(
Parasite: "MWHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Me: "I think I will clean something."
Parasite: "No, I really think you should be living in complete filth."
Me: "No way evilness." (evilness is my new nicname for the thing)
Parasite (aka evilness): "I hearby grant you aversion to cleaner scent Shazam!"
Me: *is nauseated by cleaning smells* "It's amazing to me that something so small can be so mean already"
Parasite: "Like I said, MWHAHAHAHA!!!!"
Me: "Why are you doing this?"
Parasite: "Isn't it obvious? I don't hate you, I just want my daddy to cook, clean and give you backrubs. It's more convincing if you feel like crap and have an aversion to smells that enable you to cook and clean. Nom nom nom."

Me: "Alright Evilness, maybe someday we will get along because you are on the right track of thinking.. you're execution is just a little off."

That's right ladies and gentlemen in late April I will be giving birth to the Evilness. D and I have decided that this baby (regardless of gender) is going to be a ninja. This means that somewhere around the sixth month or so I am going to have to swallow a small sword so that when the thing comes out it can cut it's own umbilical cord and scare the living crap out of my doctors (not surprsingly the scaring the doctors thing... without there being harm to me of course... has become one of my main goals in life).

Here we Go
For anyone that knows me you know that I don't have the best track record with results from doctors, thus resulting in an intense disliking of the whole lot. Something tells me the next nine months or so are going to be a slew of entertaining mishaps and rants about the lovely species. Hopefully I will not be in jail or something as a result of my uncensored passive aggressive mouth and I will be able to share my

A Tip
My tip for the day is this: Do not leave bear mace where a curious puppy can get to it. That is, unless you enjoy walking in your house and your airways closing up, hosing off a poor scared pup that hates water in your back yard, and your skin burning.

A Time I Had