Tuesday, September 16, 2008

An Ode to Squishy Rat

I am going to tell you a little story about my long lost companion. His name… it was Squishy Rat. For a long time now Halloween has been one of my favorite holidays. There is something about the crisp autumn air and the overall atmosphere of the time that just makes me feel good. (No I don’t think if you really like Halloween you worship the devil or anything thank you.)

Let me take you back to my Junior year of college. It’s in Lawrence, Kansas. The air is crisp, the leaves are beautiful shades of red, yellow and orange and because we are so mature, there are various students jumping in piles of them throughout campus and around the area. Since it’s the weekend and writing papers is so cliché on a day like this I gather a few of my friends and we head out to Olathe… or Overland Park or one of those snobby places (I’m not good with locations) to the “not so Great” Mall to shop for some Halloweeny goodness. Once we got past all the prepackaged costumes and things that boo at you as you walk by their censors we happened upon the true gold of the entire store… the junk they keep in little bins around the square area where the registers reside. There, with light shining down on it like it was meant to be from the powers above, was Squishy Rat and his little squishy rat companions. I will go ahead and tell you right now that I have no idea what was inside that made Squishy Rat squishy (and still don’t to this very day) but it was not your average gel that makes every other toy on the planet squishy. It was something different. Something wonderful. I, of course, purchased Squishy Rat and he remained my loyal companion for many weeks.

The Loss of Squishy Rat’s Essence

Unfortunately for Squishy Rat, his makers were not the best and left something to be desired when It came to the production of his outsides. All it took was one college party. I cannot remember the exact culprit, as it was a very sad day, but someone was able to puncture a hole in Squishy Rat’s soft flesh and he became… Flat Rat. Let me tell you something, this was a day my friends and I mourned a bit. Squishy Rat’s very essence had leaked from him and he became quite sad looking, a shell really. I tried not to let this get me down. Flat Rat was a worthy companion. Just because you don’t jiggle when I poke you is no reason for me to abandon you… I consider this a valid life rule as well. So life went on with Flat Rat of the formerly squishy nature.

The Demise of Flat Rat

Someone threw Flat Rat away. This is how he died. ‘Twas a sad sad day. So on this day I would just like to remember, the one, the only…SQUISHY RAT because the leaves are changing and it’s getting cooler. This is Squishy Rat’s kind of thing. Oh little rat how we miss you.

I found out the following year that there was to be no more Squishy Rats ever. I went back to the same store at the same time of year and they no longer sold that particular breed of Squishy Rat. My only guess is that the squishy part of "Squishy" rat probably wasn't too up to code or something, much to my dismay.

A Time I Had


Friday, September 12, 2008

...it's so nom nom nom

It's Delicious
Today I discovered how horrible I am to my dear sweet snarfy puppy. The news is out everyone, D and I must be starving our little pup. When we first got this crazy little canine we had a few problems with him and separation anxiety. Eventually we were able to get past these and raise a well adjusted little pup... that loves to eat things. Tonight we went out to eat as a treat to ourselves. Bowser was not invited, much to his dismay. We came home only to discover that he had taken it upon himself to make his own dinner. Unfortunately we had forgotten to teach him proper nutrition and he chose a hearty meal of ziploc bags and the box they came him, a big huge plastic bucket of peanuts (he munched on both the peanuts and the container) and a bite of his hair brush. Nom nom nom. Dinner of champions my friends. We were not exactly happy but seeing as how he thought this was an acceptable meal and gorged himself on it we decided not to provide him with his usual luxurious meal of puppy food. But I am sure that eating all those salty nuts, cardboard and plastic dehydrated him a bit so we filled up his water bowl (that had remnants of cardboard in it from earlier).

Things My Puppy Eats
Over the months that we have had this little guy here is a list of things we have discovered he finds quite tasty:
  • peanut containers
  • cardboard boxes of any variety (from packing boxes to ziploc bag boxes)
  • my stuffed animals
  • shoes
  • slippers
  • bear spray
  • shirts in plastic bags
  • pillows
  • TV remotes
  • paper towels
  • Baz (though he has never gotten past Bazzy's intensely protective body guards)
These are only a few of things I can think of off the top of my head. Never underestimate the appetite of a little rescue puppy that was abused/neglected when it was a wee pup. As much as we love Bowser coming home to him is not always the lovely welcoming that it should be. I tend to walk in the door after a brief time away while he has been alone looking for some sort of disaster. The good days are those when I don't walk into a house that smells of feces (which has yet to happen in our new place) and those when I can walk into the house without choking and my respiratory system shutting down. Yes, I mentioned he likes bear spray. If you live in AK make sure that your snarfy barfer cannot reach the bear spray because as childproof as the safety on that sucker may be, dogs don't need thumbs to dismantle the device and set a deadly trap for their families. It's always fun to walk into your house, choke on the most intense pepper spray you have ever encountered, feel like you are going to throw up and die, spray down a puppy who hates water with a hose in the back yard and clean orange spray out of your carpet.

A Time I Had


Thursday, September 11, 2008

...It's Not Gone

Over the years I have turned from an avid and constant blogger to a semi-bored, disillusioned, five times a year blogger. This is my cute attempt to change this horrible development. Unfortunately for me, as creative as I like to think I am I fall short when it comes to computer coding and website development. Hello prepackaged blog site.

Bundle of EVIL

My most recent development in this silly little life of mine is that I am about eight weeks pregnant. If you would have told me that I would be married, pregnant and living in Alaska when I was a freshman in college I probably would have asked you what you were on... and then tried to kick your butt. Well I guess that life can surprise you sometimes. I am happy and content with where I am right now and I would change absolutely nothing...

...haha yeah I take that back. As awesome as being pregnant is supposed to be, quite frankly it sucks so
far. This crazy little parasite is sucking the life out of me! Here's what a normal day is like for me and my little parasite. I imagine our conversation to go something like this:
Parasite: "Good morning, it's about 2 AM, 'bout time to go pee don't you think?"
Me: "No, leave me alone"
--5 minutes later--
Parasite: "I really think you should get up and go now"
Me: "I hate you." *gets up and goes*
Parasite: "How would you like to go ahead and feel like your head is going to explode, your insides are going to come out of your mouth and various other places, and be completely exhausted all the time?"
Me: "No thank you."
--.234 seconds later--
Me: "Oh my God I feel like my head is going to explode, my insides are going to come out of various places and I am completely exhausted."
Parasite: "HA!"
--2 hours of nap later--
Parasite: "Hey don't you think it's about time to go pee again?"
Me: "No."
Parasite: "You go pee NOW!"
Me: "You are a pain." *goes to the bathroom... again(
Parasite: "MWHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Me: "I think I will clean something."
Parasite: "No, I really think you should be living in complete filth."
Me: "No way evilness." (evilness is my new nicname for the thing)
Parasite (aka evilness): "I hearby grant you aversion to cleaner scent Shazam!"
Me: *is nauseated by cleaning smells* "It's amazing to me that something so small can be so mean already"
Parasite: "Like I said, MWHAHAHAHA!!!!"
Me: "Why are you doing this?"
Parasite: "Isn't it obvious? I don't hate you, I just want my daddy to cook, clean and give you backrubs. It's more convincing if you feel like crap and have an aversion to smells that enable you to cook and clean. Nom nom nom."

Me: "Alright Evilness, maybe someday we will get along because you are on the right track of thinking.. you're execution is just a little off."

That's right ladies and gentlemen in late April I will be giving birth to the Evilness. D and I have decided that this baby (regardless of gender) is going to be a ninja. This means that somewhere around the sixth month or so I am going to have to swallow a small sword so that when the thing comes out it can cut it's own umbilical cord and scare the living crap out of my doctors (not surprsingly the scaring the doctors thing... without there being harm to me of course... has become one of my main goals in life).

Here we Go
For anyone that knows me you know that I don't have the best track record with results from doctors, thus resulting in an intense disliking of the whole lot. Something tells me the next nine months or so are going to be a slew of entertaining mishaps and rants about the lovely species. Hopefully I will not be in jail or something as a result of my uncensored passive aggressive mouth and I will be able to share my

A Tip
My tip for the day is this: Do not leave bear mace where a curious puppy can get to it. That is, unless you enjoy walking in your house and your airways closing up, hosing off a poor scared pup that hates water in your back yard, and your skin burning.

A Time I Had