Monday, October 27, 2008

Minty Good

Candy Red Tongue
I will go ahead and admit that most of the time my life is quite boring. Luckily for me I have three males in my life that are continually making it more interesting. My thanks to D, Bazzy and Bowser (who I am convinced is actually part shar pei, part Satan).

The other day D and I decided to make a day of being productive. This is something that is quite difficult to do when one lives in Alaska with the daylight hours dwindling. So we crawled out of bed while it was still dark in the morning (roughly nine o'clock or so), made ourselves human and headed out on the town. I would say we were gone from about 10 to 3 or so. Some friends of ours just had a beautiful baby girl so we took it upon ourselves to invade their sleep deprived, new parent home and make them feed us (like the good friends that we are). After spending an hour or so at home baking cookies to take over, we headed out again... much to Bowser's dismay apparently. We didn't really think anything of it since he's usually pretty good when we leave him home. Well he's usually pretty good as long as there isn't a ceramic candle holder for him to munch on sitting on the coffee table or a camera on the chest by the stairs for him to crack the screen on or a loaf of bread on the edge of the counter for him to make his dinner.. that kind of thing.

The thing about this particular night is that he has recently started watching TV with us (he's a fan of medical shows). The only thing I can think is that he has figured out from the evil box with moving people inside it that Halloween is near. He has also picked up that Halloween means trick or treating and eating massive amount of candy. Let me paint you the picture of our dining area. Cute little table, nice sweet fall colored cloth table cloth, BIG FAT bowl of Halloween candy, three ceramic Halloween candle holders. Who sees the problem here? That's right folks. While he may not quite be tall enough to reach that bowl on his own, he is smart enough to figure out that if you give that table cloth a few tugs, all the phat loot in the world will come tumbling down with it!

We came home to find a cute little puppy surrounded by candy wrappers with a candy red tongue and a contended look on his face (until he saw the not so contended look on his daddy's face). Luckily for us we, along with some friends, had pretty much eaten all the good chocolate stuff outta there so he was only able to snarf down ONE Reeses peanut butter cup. We'd have worried if our dog wasn't a massive little steal stomached terror. The Nerds and the Reeses Pieces were all well and good but his candy of choice appears to be mints. Yep red and white swirled peppermints. Loves the thing. We're not even going to tell him about Christmas. Guess who won't be hanging candy canes on their Christmas tree?!

Now I'm not sure what exactly this dog's stomach is made of that allows him to still be alive after eating an entire loaf of bread, a whole bowl of Halloween candy, plastic bags, ceramic, etc etc without even throwing up but I do thank a higher power for it because it's saving us some serious vet bills. Come to think of it, the only time he's ever thrown up after eating something was a few hours after he jammed his big fat head into his food bin and went to town. Odd.

A Time I Had

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

I didn't ask for poo...

Last Monday was the first appointment we had for our little parasite. All ranting aside, our little one is positioned all correctly, looks like a tiny squid-like creature and has a "normal" heartbeat (with all info in my hands I am convinced our baby is actually a hummingbirdsquid... a very unique little thing woot).

Now onto the rantings of the me.

L2Hire Noob (learn to hire)
At this point in time I am going to overlook the "wonderful" doctors that a certain establishment employs and go straight to verbally attacking the front desk staff for both the clinic and the lab. Not only do they blatantly lie to people but they are quite incapable of doing their job. I've been thinking about it for a while and the only thing I could come up with was the fact that monkeys could do as good a job, if not better.

Let's begin with the clinic. I will give you what actually happened and what would have happened had there been monkeys at the front desk instead.
I check in at the front and the lady asks me to go through the other doors "down that way" (she does not point in any direction). I tell her I am waiting for my husband to get here and she assures me that she will send him in. So I go to the doors "down that way"... roughly translated I wander around until the wench physically points me in the right direction. D never shows up. The doctor has to go retrieve him twenty minutes later even though he got there about 5 minutes after I did and asked the front desk if I had checked in yet to which they replied "No." LIES!!! SLANDER!!! IDIOTS!!!!

Monkey Scenario:
I go to the front desk to check in. The front desk monkey picks it's nose. I tell the monkey I am waiting for my husband. The front desk monkey scratches itself while it still has nose remnants on it's finger. I am grossed out. I tell the monkey again I am here for my appointment. The monkey flings poo at the back wall. D arrives. I get to see the doctor WITH my husband.

Monkeys: 1 Front Desk Morons: 0 Monkeys win.

I would go into the story about the incredibly rude, nonobservant, upsettingly irritating front desk lab tech that I almost strangled but as you may have figured out, taking about this vile excuse for a human being makes me cranky. Every time I think of her I want to vomit blood. So instead, suffice it to say that Monkeys: 2, Front Desk Morons: 0 Monkeys Win!

A Time I Had