Thursday, March 22, 2012

What I've Learned Living in Vegas

A Lesson
So as the majority of you who read this blog know in the last year we have moved from my beloved snowy Alaska to the muggy hot pits of land they call Texas to this moisture sucking desert known as Las Vegas. The only thing I was really told about Vegas before I moved here is that is was hot. Oh and that it was cold too. I got a lot of useful information! I take that back, I had a few friends who knew some useful info but for dramatic effect I'll go with the only thing I knew about Vegas is that is was hot and sometimes it was cold.

Since moving here at the beginning of February I have learned a few things of my own.

1. When people find out that you have moved to Vegas they automatically assume that you live on the Strip... or right by the strip. Yeah. I live at least a half hour from there. I don't gamble and drink til I pass out every day. Sorry to ruin the illusion.
2. No one understands how to do a four way stop. Or a three way stop. Hell, they barely understand a freaking stop sign.
3. If you have your company/employer info advertised on your vehicle somewhere it is apparently the law to drive even more douchey than the average Vegas driver.
4. 10-15 miles over the speed limit is still way too slow.
5. The lane you drove in yesterday? It doesn't exist today. Good luck with that tomorrow.
6. The street with the same name here AND 2 miles away does not go all the way through. To stay on "main" street you have to turn into 1st street then onto star street to get back to main street a block away. (made up street names for an example)
7. U turns are not only necessary but encouraged. I would enjoy this much more had I not just been forced into a mini van with zero turning radius. I miss you Sonata!
8. There is not enough water or hours in the day to stay hydrated here.
9. The desert sucks moisture from everything. Dog poop turns to rocks and you turn into a husk of what once was a human being. I could handle this but as I turn into a husk my tiny son thinks that it would be hilarious and oh so fun to play with the rock poop created by our K9. Trying to keep up with cleaning rock poop so my almost-3-year-old doesn't use it to play catch is hard when I am a husk.
10. If you have a child you will ALWAYS be at the park because there are amazing, eye catching structures at all the parks and there about 789,061 parks just from our house to the grocery store. I needed milk. I also needed a cooler to keep the milk cold because we had to stop at the park.
11. Vegas loves cupcakes. And now, thanks to a new friend, I may end up fat and broke because I found a cupcake place with amazing cupcakes.
12. It can snow in Vegas. True story. The other day I actually witnessed this with my own eyes. I saw snow fall as I watched from my front door. So it melted right when it hit the ground but come on, SNOW! I was so excited.
13. Tree stakes are kind of a big deal. When the wind whips up here it could take out a small human.
14. Trash is inconsistent. My trash comes sometime between 6:30 and 2. The only time it comes later is when I have actually put it out early.
15. Fake grass and AstroTurf are very normal things here. This confuses and saddens my snobby pup.
16. I. Am. White. I knew this before. I did. I knew I was white. And then I turned red. Yes, the sun is intense.
17. I am more vicious than I originally thought. I will cut a bitch at the playground if one more deranged little monster lays it's hands on my child's throat or face (or anywhere else for the matter) again. If you know your kid is a violent gangster, take them to the strip. Otherwise this mama bear is about to start Mommy Fight Club at the park. You need to get off your cell phone and tell your kid to Step Off. Either that or bring a cage with you.

So far those are the only things I can really think of that I've learned about Vegas (and myself!) I'm sure there will be more lessons and since we will be here a while, I've got some time to learn them. On the plus side though, if I do end up in jail or something for starting mommy fight club at the park I've seen a lot of local commercials for lawyers and bail bonds so we're good to go!

A Time I Had

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