Friday, August 12, 2011

The Reality

Fair Warning
Let me just begin this post by posting a warning. If you do not have kids, you are about to have your first child, you have a child under six months of age (and you consider yourself fragile), or you just plain don't want to hear of other people's bodily functions of any kind (which I understand completely) then this post is NOT FOR YOU!

With that said let me delve right into the bottom line here. Parenthood is not a glamorous job. As many of you know I tried out the trusty "three day method" of potty training with Link. I was so proud of myself on the third day. By the end of it I put him down to bed having only dealt with one accident. I gave myself a pat and prayed it would continue. Deep down I knew this would not be the norm but I hold onto the shred of hope that all parents have: my child will cooperate with me. If you have kids you are rolling on the floor laughing to yourself. "She actually thought her two year old would cooperate? Is she high?!" If only.

Potty Animals
The last few weeks have brought good days and well, less than good days. For the most part he does really well. Surprisingly he does best at nights and during naps. This is shocking to me as most parents put their children in pull ups or diapers to sleep. I decided to be brave and he sleeps in his underwear. To date (and I know I am jinxing myself here) he has not had one accident except for the very first day at nap time. That's a minor victory. Yay team Miller.

However, day time and play time is a completely different story as most of you know. I would say that Link has an 85% success rate making it to the potty. Of the 15% that he fails to make it I would say about 5% of that is shear defiant peeing. He looks at me, says "Hi mom" and gives a smirk. Normally he tells me he has to go and we run to the bathroom. This 5% of the time he stands there and aims it straight to the floor and runs around. The perfect mom in me shrugs it off and thinks "it's OK we will do better next time." The ACTUAL mom in me snaps back into reality from the half second I thought "it's OK" and thinks "that little shit. He deliberately peed on my floor to spite me" and then I chase the sopping wet toddler through my house trying to pry his tiny underwear off and hoping that the trail of pee isn't too awful so when I do finally catch the psycho and change his clothes that I don't have to spend the next half hour getting urine out of the carpet.

The other day I played my "f-it card" and went to pick up some fast food. I had to take Link with me since D is away. It was a quick trip and Link had recently went to the bathroom so I didn't bother putting him in a pull up. Funny huh? It's like I was asking for it. We had literally pulled into the driveway, I opened his door to get him out of the carseat and he tells me "Mommy, I'm pooping." By the way, he always has to "poop." Even when he doesn't. Yes, that's right. Instead of telling me he has to go potty and tells me he has to go poop. Whatever, child. Anyway I open the door in time for the new waterpark ride that my child has created in his carseat. Link's slippery car seat ride of DOOOOOOM. Luckily we've got a piddle pad which kept me from disassembling the entire carseat to wash. So I am carrying my purse, a soaked urine child, two beverages, a bag of food and I'm trying to get the damn keys off of my purse so I can open the door. I finally get the door open only to discover to lovely K9 has taken it upon himself to explore the contents of a backpack and thoroughly rip to shreds two gallon size ziplocs. I'm talking confetti size pieces. Think fast, Holly. So I run through the kitchen and throw dinner on the counter, shove the dog out the door into the backyard, run at lightning speed (like a mother f'ing superhero) back to the door where my kid is looking at me like "what the deuce?" and scoop him up under the armpits to haul him to the bathroom where his destiny awaits. I pry the wetsuit off of him, wipe him down (because each of my bathrooms is fully armed with new underwear, baby wipes, toddler wipes, clorox wipes... we are wipe royalty) and shove him out the bathroom door. I take a deep breath, clean up the ziploc confetti, throw in a load of laundry, let the destructo-machine back inside and Link and I sit down to eat the lovely feast I have prepared on our fancy paper plates. Oh the joys of parenthood.

On another note potty training has made me kind of an a-hole when it comes to driving. I come fully prepared everywhere I go now. In my car is a huge bag with everything I need should we have any issues. The bag contains the following:
-a few small crappy towels in case the piddle pad gets turned into a water ride
-a travel potty and refills for it (a lifesaver)
-3 pairs of underwear
-pull ups
-a new outfit for Link
-baby wipes for when he decides it's fun to pee at mommy
-hand sanitizer
-plastic bags for soiled clothing
Since I have the travel potty we can pretty much pull over anywhere... at least in theory. So last week when we went to Sea World and were driving back down the highway to get home I hear "Mommy I need a potty." Not sure I hear him right I say "Whahuhjiggawhat?" to which he replys loudly "I need some potty!" So the jackhole that was riding my ass for the last 10 minutes who FINALLY decides to pass me on the right? He sure got cut off as I tried to get to the nearest exit. Wasn't exactly sure what I was going to do when I got there but it was something. So I pull off to the almost missed exit to encounter backed up traffic because of a red light. Screw this. So I cut across two lanes of traffic to get stuck behind some poopface who has no idea where they are going and is just stopped in the lane. What the? So, like any desperate mommy, I hop the curb into an empty church parking lot, swing around the back under a tree, fly out of the car, set up the potty, grab the kid from his seat, whip off his pants and throw him on the potty. He looked a bit terrified... for about 3 seconds. Then he peed in the potty. Mostly. So thank you to the congregation and Jesus and such for lending us your parking lot to pee in. Now if you are ever cut off by some crazed looking woman hopping curbs, just remember, her kid may just need to go potty!

I am sure there are many more adventures I could share as they are constantly happening but that's enough wonderful memories for me at the moment. I suppose no one ever said it was easy. And if they did, they were a liar or they were high.

A Time I Had


Anonymous said...

OMG - literally rolling on the floor laughing - had to pass the computer to my better half so he could enjoy your musings!! You should seriously consider a book!! ((HUGS))~ Mamma P

Rachel said...

Well written Holly and so totally true. The other day my little one pooped in his undies, removed them, dragged poop all over the floor on his way to the bathroom, then shouted, "POOP!". Yay, thanks :) Simultaneously, my dog started licking the poop off the floor. CRAP!!!! There are days when we need DOUBLES.
--Rachel D