Thursday, September 11, 2008

...It's Not Gone

Over the years I have turned from an avid and constant blogger to a semi-bored, disillusioned, five times a year blogger. This is my cute attempt to change this horrible development. Unfortunately for me, as creative as I like to think I am I fall short when it comes to computer coding and website development. Hello prepackaged blog site.

Bundle of EVIL

My most recent development in this silly little life of mine is that I am about eight weeks pregnant. If you would have told me that I would be married, pregnant and living in Alaska when I was a freshman in college I probably would have asked you what you were on... and then tried to kick your butt. Well I guess that life can surprise you sometimes. I am happy and content with where I am right now and I would change absolutely nothing...

...haha yeah I take that back. As awesome as being pregnant is supposed to be, quite frankly it sucks so
far. This crazy little parasite is sucking the life out of me! Here's what a normal day is like for me and my little parasite. I imagine our conversation to go something like this:
Parasite: "Good morning, it's about 2 AM, 'bout time to go pee don't you think?"
Me: "No, leave me alone"
--5 minutes later--
Parasite: "I really think you should get up and go now"
Me: "I hate you." *gets up and goes*
Parasite: "How would you like to go ahead and feel like your head is going to explode, your insides are going to come out of your mouth and various other places, and be completely exhausted all the time?"
Me: "No thank you."
--.234 seconds later--
Me: "Oh my God I feel like my head is going to explode, my insides are going to come out of various places and I am completely exhausted."
Parasite: "HA!"
--2 hours of nap later--
Parasite: "Hey don't you think it's about time to go pee again?"
Me: "No."
Parasite: "You go pee NOW!"
Me: "You are a pain." *goes to the bathroom... again(
Parasite: "MWHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Me: "I think I will clean something."
Parasite: "No, I really think you should be living in complete filth."
Me: "No way evilness." (evilness is my new nicname for the thing)
Parasite (aka evilness): "I hearby grant you aversion to cleaner scent Shazam!"
Me: *is nauseated by cleaning smells* "It's amazing to me that something so small can be so mean already"
Parasite: "Like I said, MWHAHAHAHA!!!!"
Me: "Why are you doing this?"
Parasite: "Isn't it obvious? I don't hate you, I just want my daddy to cook, clean and give you backrubs. It's more convincing if you feel like crap and have an aversion to smells that enable you to cook and clean. Nom nom nom."

Me: "Alright Evilness, maybe someday we will get along because you are on the right track of thinking.. you're execution is just a little off."

That's right ladies and gentlemen in late April I will be giving birth to the Evilness. D and I have decided that this baby (regardless of gender) is going to be a ninja. This means that somewhere around the sixth month or so I am going to have to swallow a small sword so that when the thing comes out it can cut it's own umbilical cord and scare the living crap out of my doctors (not surprsingly the scaring the doctors thing... without there being harm to me of course... has become one of my main goals in life).

Here we Go
For anyone that knows me you know that I don't have the best track record with results from doctors, thus resulting in an intense disliking of the whole lot. Something tells me the next nine months or so are going to be a slew of entertaining mishaps and rants about the lovely species. Hopefully I will not be in jail or something as a result of my uncensored passive aggressive mouth and I will be able to share my

A Tip
My tip for the day is this: Do not leave bear mace where a curious puppy can get to it. That is, unless you enjoy walking in your house and your airways closing up, hosing off a poor scared pup that hates water in your back yard, and your skin burning.

A Time I Had



- t said...

YAY! Dearest Julius, I can't tell you how exited I was this morning to come to the office, delete 9 bazillion spam messages (Obtain a massive love gun!)and find a real message from you with amazing news and a blog I can read while pretending to work. Good start to a Friday!

Blythe said...