The Apocalypse

My New Knowledge
Last night I figured out how the zombie apocalypse begins: with me. I always said that if there was a zombie invasion that I was just going to go ahead and let them take me because, think about it. How many zombie movies end with the people happily escaping with no fear of being turned? There is no way I am going to spend all that energy fighting and running away from the inevitable. Plus, I really am not a huge fan of malls so there is no way I'm going to be stuck in one fearing for my life. Luckily, I am not going to have to worry about any of that because I am going to BE the first zombie. In fact, I'm already on my way. It had never occurred to me before that it would all start with a mom of a toddler but it makes perfect sense.

One of my main complaints the past couple months has been that I have not been getting enough sleep. I remember what it was like to have an infant and be running on fumes of a few minutes of sleep here and there but for the most part I had some help from D and at least Link didn't move around that much... or have an opinion about EVERYTHING. While I admit I am no longer running on pure fumes, some days it feels a bit like it.

Link has taken it upon himself to be the worst sleeper on earth. I am sure this is an exaggeration but at 2 AM it doesn't feel like one. After the 1-2.5 hours of messing around before he finally falls asleep he usually gets up again roughly one half hour after I go to bed. He comes into my room like a drunk little midget with his lovely and his blanket and says "Mommy." So I haul my sleepy ass out of bed, pick him up and put him back in his bed. He is immediately back in deep sleep. What the? Not fair. Why can't I fall back asleep that fast. We continue this pattern of back and forth about 4-7 more times a night. Every once in a while I just say screw it and pick him up to sleep in my bed because I am so tired and in so much pain (screw fibromyalgia) that I can't bring myself to get up again.

If I do happen to share my bed with the soul sucker I end up closer to the zombie state than normal. My tiny little boy suddenly turns into a giant grizzly bear that likes to snuggle. Let me explain this statement. He always seems to roll as close to me as possible while simultaneously taking up the ENTIRE bed. How it this possible? He's not even a quarter the size of the bed. How has he suddenly become the size of a great dane and why am I curled up in a tiny ball on the top 1/8th corner of my queen size bed with my arm stuck underneath fat-ass? I can no longer feel my arm but I fear if I move at all I will wake the bear and all hell will break loose, thus beginning the cycle all over again. So why don't I just move him back to his bed? Because his tiny little not quite awake butt will stumble into my room like a slutty sorority chick who just got back from a frat party after doing one too many keg stands. He will slump lifelessly over my shoulder as I drop him into bed. While he won't puke on me like the sorority girl would, he WILL be heard from again and I will have no hope of any sleep AT ALL. So sometimes I end up taking my chances with a tiny dog bed space to sleep and a numb limb. At least part of me is asleep. Sweet dreams left arm!

Here's another downer. I'm sure it's hilarious if it's not happening to you but my kid talks in his sleep. After I finally do fall asleep in my confined area of the bed, Link rolls over, opens his eyelids (with his eyes creepily rolled back in his head) and says "Do you hear a tra-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain? There's a spider on the wall," rolls back over and starts snoring again. Now I am adequately terrified in addition to being exhausted and unable to move. My possessed child just threatened me with a train AND a spider and is sleeping peacefully. At this point of the night I start trying to think of all the happy things. I silently chant "puppies and rainbows and soft blankets and snowmen and chocolate and dramatic reality TV that makes me feel better about me!" I am somewhat able to calm myself until I get delirious. OMG is there really a spider on the wall? It's going to eat me. It's going to eat my kid. CPS is going to get me for not killing the spider and letting it eat my child. I am going to end up in jail. I wonder if you can sleep well in jail? Maybe I should let the spider eat us. Then I wouldn't have to get up and make breakfast in a few hours. It is about now that the drool starts flowing, my eyes start to droop, a bit of brain oozes out of my ear, and I fear if I speak that it will only come out sounding something like "grabblebluuuuuuuugBRAIIIIIIIIINSblagclug." That's right folks, I have officially entered zombie state and if not for the sun slowly rising I would surely turn soon. Gotta pull it together though because it's almost another day and I need to get my zombie ass up, make breakfast and talk about every single vehicle in existence. All. Day. Long. Mommy needs a drink and it's only 6:58 AM. If you see me I suggest you protect your head. I might eat your brain. You can thank my kid for that.

A Time I Had