The Reality

Fair Warning
Let me just begin this post by posting a warning. If you do not have kids, you are about to have your first child, you have a child under six months of age (and you consider yourself fragile), or you just plain don't want to hear of other people's bodily functions of any kind (which I understand completely) then this post is NOT FOR YOU!

With that said let me delve right into the bottom line here. Parenthood is not a glamorous job. As many of you know I tried out the trusty "three day method" of potty training with Link. I was so proud of myself on the third day. By the end of it I put him down to bed having only dealt with one accident. I gave myself a pat and prayed it would continue. Deep down I knew this would not be the norm but I hold onto the shred of hope that all parents have: my child will cooperate with me. If you have kids you are rolling on the floor laughing to yourself. "She actually thought her two year old would cooperate? Is she high?!" If only.

Potty Animals
The last few weeks have brought good days and well, less than good days. For the most part he does really well. Surprisingly he does best at nights and during naps. This is shocking to me as most parents put their children in pull ups or diapers to sleep. I decided to be brave and he sleeps in his underwear. To date (and I know I am jinxing myself here) he has not had one accident except for the very first day at nap time. That's a minor victory. Yay team Miller.

However, day time and play time is a completely different story as most of you know. I would say that Link has an 85% success rate making it to the potty. Of the 15% that he fails to make it I would say about 5% of that is shear defiant peeing. He looks at me, says "Hi mom" and gives a smirk. Normally he tells me he has to go and we run to the bathroom. This 5% of the time he stands there and aims it straight to the floor and runs around. The perfect mom in me shrugs it off and thinks "it's OK we will do better next time." The ACTUAL mom in me snaps back into reality from the half second I thought "it's OK" and thinks "that little shit. He deliberately peed on my floor to spite me" and then I chase the sopping wet toddler through my house trying to pry his tiny underwear off and hoping that the trail of pee isn't too awful so when I do finally catch the psycho and change his clothes that I don't have to spend the next half hour getting urine out of the carpet.

The other day I played my "f-it card" and went to pick up some fast food. I had to take Link with me since D is away. It was a quick trip and Link had recently went to the bathroom so I didn't bother putting him in a pull up. Funny huh? It's like I was asking for it. We had literally pulled into the driveway, I opened his door to get him out of the carseat and he tells me "Mommy, I'm pooping." By the way, he always has to "poop." Even when he doesn't. Yes, that's right. Instead of telling me he has to go potty and tells me he has to go poop. Whatever, child. Anyway I open the door in time for the new waterpark ride that my child has created in his carseat. Link's slippery car seat ride of DOOOOOOM. Luckily we've got a piddle pad which kept me from disassembling the entire carseat to wash. So I am carrying my purse, a soaked urine child, two beverages, a bag of food and I'm trying to get the damn keys off of my purse so I can open the door. I finally get the door open only to discover to lovely K9 has taken it upon himself to explore the contents of a backpack and thoroughly rip to shreds two gallon size ziplocs. I'm talking confetti size pieces. Think fast, Holly. So I run through the kitchen and throw dinner on the counter, shove the dog out the door into the backyard, run at lightning speed (like a mother f'ing superhero) back to the door where my kid is looking at me like "what the deuce?" and scoop him up under the armpits to haul him to the bathroom where his destiny awaits. I pry the wetsuit off of him, wipe him down (because each of my bathrooms is fully armed with new underwear, baby wipes, toddler wipes, clorox wipes... we are wipe royalty) and shove him out the bathroom door. I take a deep breath, clean up the ziploc confetti, throw in a load of laundry, let the destructo-machine back inside and Link and I sit down to eat the lovely feast I have prepared on our fancy paper plates. Oh the joys of parenthood.

On another note potty training has made me kind of an a-hole when it comes to driving. I come fully prepared everywhere I go now. In my car is a huge bag with everything I need should we have any issues. The bag contains the following:
-a few small crappy towels in case the piddle pad gets turned into a water ride
-a travel potty and refills for it (a lifesaver)
-3 pairs of underwear
-pull ups
-a new outfit for Link
-baby wipes for when he decides it's fun to pee at mommy
-hand sanitizer
-plastic bags for soiled clothing
Since I have the travel potty we can pretty much pull over anywhere... at least in theory. So last week when we went to Sea World and were driving back down the highway to get home I hear "Mommy I need a potty." Not sure I hear him right I say "Whahuhjiggawhat?" to which he replys loudly "I need some potty!" So the jackhole that was riding my ass for the last 10 minutes who FINALLY decides to pass me on the right? He sure got cut off as I tried to get to the nearest exit. Wasn't exactly sure what I was going to do when I got there but it was something. So I pull off to the almost missed exit to encounter backed up traffic because of a red light. Screw this. So I cut across two lanes of traffic to get stuck behind some poopface who has no idea where they are going and is just stopped in the lane. What the? So, like any desperate mommy, I hop the curb into an empty church parking lot, swing around the back under a tree, fly out of the car, set up the potty, grab the kid from his seat, whip off his pants and throw him on the potty. He looked a bit terrified... for about 3 seconds. Then he peed in the potty. Mostly. So thank you to the congregation and Jesus and such for lending us your parking lot to pee in. Now if you are ever cut off by some crazed looking woman hopping curbs, just remember, her kid may just need to go potty!

I am sure there are many more adventures I could share as they are constantly happening but that's enough wonderful memories for me at the moment. I suppose no one ever said it was easy. And if they did, they were a liar or they were high.

A Time I Had

The Sane and Insane to My Insane and Sane

Suck it up!
I have been bitching a lot via facebook statuses about how burnt out I am lately. Most of it is just me being a whiny baby. For instance, I tend to whine when the following things happen:
-I don't get enough sleep
-I get slobbered on by a dog
-I get peed on by a little boy who thinks aiming a stream at mommy is hilarious
-I get viciously attacked by a scary little lizard (or looked at by one!)
-I have to make three meals a day by myself without any input ("cookies and chips" is not valid input... at least not always)

But despite my recent complaining I know I still have things pretty good. After all, my mom was here for a week and that visit was awesome, I have an upcoming visit to Blue Springs to see the the inlaws and D should be home fairly soon after we return from that trip. When I find myself starting to lose my cool I just need to remember what amazing guys I have in my life. Obviously my dad, my father in law, my grandpa, my twin, my big bro and all the other guys in my life deserve a shout out. This particular post I have to dedicate to my best friend and my sidekick: Dan and Link, without whom I would be lost (and maybe a bit more sane? Yeah, probably not.) D is currently at training and kicking some serious ass. I'm so proud of him. And while the "three day method" wasn't the magic trick I naively hoped it might be, Link's potty training success is something many parents work months to achieve. He is not all the way there and sometimes he pees on the floor just because he can. I can tell my the look on his face and the way he giggles at me when he does it. Despite that, he is doing as well as I can hope and we will get all the way there at some point. I am proud of him, nonetheless. So here's an ode to my two favorite guys.





















I love them with all my heart and right now I just need to remember that because the tiny one refuses to nap and just keeps messing around babbling about a tooth fairy castle and how his train needs to go up the hill, down the hill and through the tunnel. I fear if I cook him up for dinner now that Dan won't be too happy with me! :-P

...but if anyone happens to find a good recipe for toddler casserole, send it my way.

We need company...

Grandma Came To Visit!!
This past week we were lucky enough to have my mom brave the nastiness that is Texas and come to visit Link and I while D is away at training. The company was more than I could ask for and we took her back this afternoon. I find myself missing my mommy as I sit here blogging. The military life is a great thing because we are well taken care of and don't have to worry about where money will come from but it's tough. It's hard to be moved away from your home, thrust into a place you aren't fond of and then have your significant other shipped off to soon. I know I'm an adult and that I have responsibilities but every once in a while it's nice to have your mommy come and help you take care of your kid and hang out with you after he goes to bed!

Can You Tell Me How to Get...
We decided that we would book a Sesame Street breakfast at Seaworld for the week my mom was here. It was really nice because we could get in early and get some one on one with the Sesame Street characters. Now, I am terrified of people in character or mascot costumes so I had to suck it up for this one. Link loved the first part of it. We were coming back from the bathroom and he caught a glimpse of the cast outside the restaurant and I thought he was just going to flip out. He was screaming that they were out there and jumping up and down like a crack-filled ferret. It was quite fantastic. To our surprise he ran right up to Abby Cadabby and Big Bird and gave them great big hugs. He was super jazzed to see Cookie Monster. Here's where things got amusing. Bert and Ernie came up to say hi but whoever was in the Ernie suit was a hair toucher. Ernie messed with Link's hair and from that moment on Link wanted nothing to do with him. My child is now terrified of Ernie. Throughout the breakfast Link would see Ernie and run. He would literally grab my hand and put it over his eyes so he wouldn't see him. I thought I was going to die laughing.

So Much to do
We did quite a bit while Grandma was here but tried not to wear ourselves out. There was a visit to the zoo and a small train ride.

There was a big trip to Austin to see and ride the steam trains.

There was lots of ipod games with Grandma.

There was book reading with Grandma.

There was snacking with Grandma.

There was playing stand up Cars (aka Link's "prize" for doing well with potty training) with Grandma.

There was movie watching with Grandma.


Needless to say, we had a great time and were sorry to see her go. And to make it even harder, when we were leaving the airport and Link wanted Grandma to come with us I told him "No, Grandma is going to go home so she can see Grandpa" and then he told me with a super excited look "We go see Grandpa!!" and tried to steer me toward security so we could get on the plane and go with her. The entire way home and all the way up the stairs he wanted to go see Grandpa. Broke my heart! We had a great time though. Even with swerving through lanes of traffic, jumping a curb, whipping out a travel potty and helping Link pee in a church parking lot, we had a great time! We're classy people!

A Time I Had

Wanna Hear about Poop!?

...I Didn't Think so.
So the last three days have been spent trying out a "three day potty training" method. I was a bit skeptical but it seems to have taken. I am not going to go into graphic details because, quite frankly, I am not one of those parents who feels they need to keep you up to date on when my kid pooped or when they peed... or when and where they did it. Suffice it to say that I no longer need to spend massive amounts of money on diapers and I don't have to fight with my kid to change his "skunky butt" (his words). The first two days weren't the most glamorous but with the last day only bringing on one accident because he insisted that he needed his tricycle right before his nap and was cranky I consider it to be a great success. He has continually woke up dry from naps and in the morning and when he wakes up he tells me he has to go. In fact he told me "be right back, Mommy" and ran away like a crazy person to go potty. VICTORY! I suppose we shall see how it goes from now on but I have high hopes.

The New Man of the House
My sweet little boy is turning into such a man. Today he ripped on, looked at me quite seriously and said "Did you fart?!" All I could do was sigh. Seriously? He farts and then acts like it was me. This cannot be good for future social situations. I remember when he was an infant and he would be on my lap and rip a gigantic fat guy fart and people would look at me like "whoa lady, you are in public, ya know?" and I would blush and point at the tiny infant sitting on me. I admit it was still difficult trying to convince people that a noise that loud could come out of something so small but it was possible. What am I going to do now? I suppose I will keep my distance from the little fart blamer. It's one thing to tell people it wasn't you but when your two year old looks at you like he had no idea he could possibly produce something so crude and asks you if YOU did it, it's kind of hard to convince others that it actually was your kid. After all two year olds never lie or anything. So I promise that I will not go out in public and just rip one. Odds are, if you see Link and hear some tootin' it's the crude little boy who likes to blame others for farting.

Mommy!
In other news my mom comes to visit tomorrow. I'm super excited since I am starved for some adult conversation that doesn't happen over the phone or email. As much as I love the constant topic of trains, race cars, cement trucks, buses, airplanes, helicopters, dump trucks, fire trucks, cop cars, vans, jeeps, all other types of transportation, etc. it will be nice to talk about other things. Not that my mom and I have the most mature of conversations but it will be nice to change the topic for a bit! It will also be fun to go to the Sesame Street breakfast at Seaworld that I made reservations for and to go on the steam engine ride in Austin next weekend that we booked. Other plans include FINALLY seeing the last Harry Potter, going to the zoo, having a movie night (something tells me we will either be watching Cars or How to Train your Dragon. Just a guess), a possible picnic and trying not to die a terrible fiery death here in the pits of hell... I mean 100 degree Texas! Have I mentioned that I miss Alaska like crazy. I guess I haven't mentioned that on this blog yet. There are really no words to express how much I miss it. Not only my friends and my home but the state. It's beautiful, it's cool, it doesn't have scorpions. It was made for me. I was in love. The Air Force tore me away from one of the loves of my life. Thanks for the med benefits USAF but can we go back to AK? Please? No? Fine. You win. Sigh. Anyway, yay for my mommy coming to visit!


A Time I Had

Getting Back into the Groove

Apologies
My sorry attempt at blogging did not last. Apparently raising a kid is a lot of work and doesn't leave much time for much of anything. However, after taking a two year break from the blogging world I hope to throw myself back into it and keep everyone who cares up to date on the various happenings of me and my little family. Here goes nothing.

Dragons Galore
One of Link's new obsessions is dragons. I've known he dug them since the day he walked into our office to see the Wrath of the Lich King WoW login screen. For those non-gamers out there the login screen features a lovely dragon who roars his mighty roar! Link came in, roared and was super excited. So last night after his bath he found one of my World of Warcraft magazines (yes, I'm that girl!) and wanted to look at the dragons since the front cover of this particular issue proudly displays Deathwing the Destroyer. I won't go into details for my non-wow friends but there are several groups of dragons and we went through all of them. The conversation was something like this:
"Whoa it's a dragon. Mommy, look. It's a lot of dragons."
"Yeah it is. Wow. Very cool."
"Mommy what is it?"
"That's Alexstrazsa. Those are the red dragons. "
"That's a lotta red dragons. Whoa. I turn the page. Mommy, what is it?"
"That's Malygos. Those are the blue dragons."
"Blue dragons. OK. Mommy, turn the page. Mommy, what is it?"
"That's Nordormu. Those are the bronze dragons."
"Whoa. Those are a lot of dragons. I turn it. Whoa mommy, what is that?"
"Those are the green dragons. That's Ysera. She guards the emerald dream."
"Whoa I like a green dragon. Those are stars and moons" (by the way stars and moons ALWAYS go together in Inky world) "I need more dragons."
"OK turn the page and there will be more dragons."
"OH MOMMY! LOOK AT THE DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGON! What is it mommy!?"
"That's Deathwing."
"That's Deathwing. That's Deathwing. I like that dragon."

And there you have it. My child went through all the dragonflights and his favorite is the one that is the big bad guy in the whole world of warcraft. Seriously. I knew he was evil!

Land of the Scorpions
We are still attempting to acclimate to this evil land known as Texas. With a constant temperature of around 98-102 degrees everyday we go outside, sweat buckets and run back to the A/C. If the heat were not bad enough, the driving and all the crazy roads here do not lend themselves well to putting me in a good mood. I'm holding it together but the other night I was viciously assaulted by a cockroach and it broke me! After encountering a scorpion in our living room, a mouse in our garage, various creepy bugs near our baseboards, and D's brush with a tiny lizard in our entryway a cockroach hanging out by my the sink near my toothbrush was not what anyone needed. To make matters worse D is at training, Link was asleep, my dog is lazy and I have never seen a cockroach before in my life. I close the door, run to the hall, grab a plastic bag and a notebook (like I am McGyver or something) and quietly sneak back into the bathroom where the evil roach of Doom awaits me. I quickly discover this bug can fly as he is now on the other side of the room. Armed with my new knowledge of his quick transportation I begin to completely freak out. What the hell am I going to do with my expert bug catching gear? If I get close to this thing it's going to fly at my face, crawl down my throat, take over my body and attempt to raise my son on it's own. So, after freaking out and calling a friend who lives in Alaska from the safety of the top of the toilet seat, then calling my mommy and crying at her for about half an hour I watch the cockroach settle in for the night in the corner near the ceiling and go to sleep... or at least I think that's what it was doing. Regardless, I handled it like a big girl and locked him in the bathroom since the exterminator was coming the next morning. I'm great at this adult thing.

Hopefully I will keep this sucker up to date regularly. That's the plan anyway but we all know how plans work out so smoothly sometimes!

A Time I Had

Whoa

We had a baby! It was about time... even though technically he was two weeks early. After two and a half days of contractions I went through three hours of labor, lost enough blood to warrant a transfusion of two units, had a beautiful son and proceeded to spend almost a week in the hospital with a debilitating headache trying to recover. After numerous people trying to figure out what was wrong with me (Link was perfect and healthy) they decided to send me home to get better. The car ride home and the next few days were less than easy. It was, however, nice to be home again with my pup and my ferret and my comfy bed. I eventually kicked the headache and am now just experiencing the general recovery of having a baby!

Link has been a complete joy. Even though it's exhausting and sometimes frustrating he has been worth every ounce of everything I have been through. D has been amazing. He's sacrificed countless hours of sleep taking care of both Link and I (as well as the pets). I knew I was lucky to have him but I didn't know how lucky until now.

I always said pregnancy didn't suit me and it sure didn't but being a mommy works for me. My little baby is such a sweetie... even when he's screaming in the middle of the night!

I love my little family!

Waiting

High Pitched Scream
With pregnancy hormones and the pain of it all taking it's toll on me I find myself more and more drawn to the idea of hacking off the heads of all the neighbors dogs...
I know I sound crazy but when I try to take a nap (something that is increasingly harder to do with this silly child cramping my organs) and all I can hear is the highest pitched "arf arf arf squeak arf arf arf!!!!!!!" in the world I tend to lean towards violence. It's not only the neighbors to the left now, it's the ones I actually liked. But God bless them, I am going to murder their screechy little puppy. She is adorable and all but with pipes like those ALL DAY LONG she becomes an ugly little runt who I would have no problem disposing of. I know this is probably not the best quality for an about to be mother to have but I can't really help it. Rest assured however that I suck at breaking into people's houses so there is next to no chance of me carrying out my violent tendencies. Take comfort as well in the fact that my sweet ferret and pup are safe and sound... it probably helps that Bazzy's squeaks are without a doubt the cutest animal noises ever made and the only time Bowser ever really makes any noise is when he gets feisty at his blanket or has to pee and wants to go outside.

Ninja Baby is Haxors
So we are still waiting for the little one to make his grand entrance. I have passed the "I'm terrified" stage and am currently sitting in the "Can we get this over with already!?" stage. I know that if I did not have fibromyalgia this would be one of the easiest pregnancies on record I am sure. The worst that has happened thus far is that I was only nauseus for some of my first trimester. No puking at all. I still have no idea what all that heartburn and acid reflux feels like, I got to skip being constipated and all the horrible things that I have heard every other pregnant woman complain about. All my tests were perfect for me AND the baby and everything has been great.... EXCEPT my good old fibromyalgia which, as soon as I hit the third trimester, has given me nothing but hell. And my sweet little ninja baby who is practicing to be an acrobat has taken it upon himself to move all day and all night long. I know it's a good thing because I don't have to worry (and it saves me the concentration of having to do fetal kick counts) but holy crap already. Because of his constant rolling around and moving and the fact that he has dropped already my back it killing me. Ninja baby is ruining my quality gaming time with D! LOOT HAX! I can't sit at my desk for decent periods of time because of the pain. It's quite frstrating. How am I supposed to teach my fetus to be a good gamer if he's making it impossible to game!?

The Let Down
Since I am officially running off of about one brain cell (yes it's true, pregnancy makes you a bit more dumb) at the moment I have nothing really to write about. Most of my energy goes into trying not to claw this baby out of me. Hopefully I will be able to update more often with something amusing. I am sure with a newborn about to pop I will have plenty of good material. For now though I leave you with this lackluster update. Enjoy what you can get! (and if there are typos and sentences that aren't quite right... I'm running on one brain cell people.. deal with it!)

A Time I Had