The Evil HOA

OK so I know that some people who read this blog live in the same area and have the same subdivision HOA. They can correct me if I'm wrong (I will kindly ignore it because I am mad... and not just mad but pregnancy mad which makes feelings intensify til you are beyond all reason) but our HOA sucks. A lot. I hate them.

For those who see my constant Facebook updates about every mundane thing that happens to us you know that I have been continually harassed by my HOA since D left. And before then.


Our first issue was that we "didn't have landscaping in our backyard." Which is funny because when we were looking to buy the house in January of 2012 we were commenting on how impressed we were by all the fruit trees and beautiful landscaping in the back. So imagine our surprise when we received a notice that none of that existed. Oh wait, WE HAVE LANDSCAPING!!!! Holy shit. D called them. They argued. He said and I quote "We have fruit trees back there. Would you like some fruit from our fruit trees!?" I have never heard D be that snarky, angry and f***ing amazing all in one minute since I have known him. Anyway we took care of that.

Then after he left they sent me some nonsense about how our address light doesn't light up. This was after I changed the bulbs again. After getting our "second notice to comply" I called them because I had had three dudes look at it, including an amazing doctor who used to do construction and contracting stuff and knows what he is doing. NOTHING works. So I call them up and they tell me "Oh everyone we have sent those letters to seems to be having the same problem." WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE (like I said, pregnancy mad). OK Bitch so why did I even get a second freaking notice to comply. I'm complying the hell out of things. Leave me alone. Then she says she will bring it up to the board and I shouldn't get another letter for at least two months. Um what? The next letter you send me better be you assholes telling me how to fix it or telling me you are actually USING our HOA dues for something other than paper and printer ink to harass us with. OK well that's on the back burner. I am sure I will hear something about my stupid address light again soon. By the way half the neighborhood has address signs that don't light up and on my way to the mailbox today I saw a house that had just ripped the whole damn thing off. I like their style.

This time I received a letter that they did not have proof that we had our satellite dish approved. It's been there since we moved in in February 2012. OK fine. I get it. You have to submit paper for even looking at your house. I'm surprised we are allowed to park in our driveways. So this process takes me forever. I have to submit an architectural application (which they DID NOT include with my compliance letter). Then I got that but I was supposed to include a letter from DirectTV saying the location of our dish was the only place that would receive a signal. After talking to four different people in four different departments they told me they do not send such letters. So I contacted the HOA again. And had to leave a voicemail again... that they took forever to return. She finally tells me they are lying and gives me the contact info for the tv guy that will send the letter. Really? You couldn't do that at the same time you told me I needed this damn letter?! Then after five days trying to contact this guy and leaving messages and getting no return call I contact the HOA AGAIN. A day or two later the lady tells me she sent me the WRONG contact info. Oh good God. I will cut a bitch. The direcTV thing takes roughly three seconds to take care of and they get the letter over about 4 minutes after I talk to them. I love them. Then I call the HOA to make sure they got it. She sounds all confused, says she has it and asks where everything else is. Well you don't have it because I've been getting the run around on this damn letter. Anyway I finally get everything sent in.

Today I get a "second notice to comply" letter about the dish.
I texted a friend to make sure that she could watch Link.
I got in touch with D to see if they could send him home from deployment early if I was in jail.
I MIGHT need bail money.
I decided that instead of taking a field trip with a bat that I would write what D refered to as a "verbal bitch slap" instead.

I might be a tiny bit nicer if I thought our dues were going to things other than just paying the landscaping workers $2 each to cut bushes and blow leaves solely around the gate entrances. But there is constantly trash all over the neighborhood, the common walkways look like overgrown jungles, nothing fun really happens except a 4th of july block party you are required to donate to if you go...

No one pull the "first world problem" on me. Every problem I have is a first world problem because guess what? I live in America. Also, I have child care and bail money pending and I'm not afraid to use my bat. Pregnancy is making me crazy beyond all reason. I am allowed to complain on MY blog. You are not required to read it. Also, this is part of the reason I never wanted to live somewhere with an HOA. I get that it supposedly increases property values and keeps the neighborhood from looking skeezy. But none of that is going to do me any good if I'm either insane or in jail. Just sayin'.

A Time I Had